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Archive for January, 2015

(This is based on my education in Psychology, Abnormal Psychology and my own personal experience during the destruction of my marriage)

I am not sure what solution I am looking for, but since Friday, November 22, 2002 (the night my marriage was destroyed), I have been struggling within myself to jot down all the compulsive lies, deceit and betrayal I had to endure which ultimately resulted in the destruction of my marriage.

Here’s are some facts that illustrates the lies, cheating, dishonesty, treachery and deception of two individuals who took it upon themselves to systematically decimate and destroy a marriage and a family.  In doing so, these despicable individuals either forgot about the innocent little kids that would be caught in the middle or they intentionally showed no regard or concern to the lives, well-being and future of three innocent children who at this young and tender age require a father figure in their midst were robbed of their father as well as a family.

I do not seek sympathy from anyone.  All I seek is justice … justice for the wrongs that have been done to me and my three innocent children.  This justice will only come from Almighty GOD as St. Paul writes in Romans 12:19 – Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

These individuals used every means and method of treachery, falsehood and deceit to take out their revenge. But, believe me the true tragedy here are the innocent little children. We must not forget that the people involved in decimating and destroying my marriage are all married and some have their own family (i.e. children).

These are the very people I opened my home to, had generously entertained them in my home with food and drinks.  These are the people I considered family and friends respectively.

I had been humiliated, insulted, spat upon, verbally and mentally abused, had false accusations and allegations brought against me – all in an attempt to discredit me, tarnish my character and ruin my reputation.  However, their tireless efforts only proved to society their evil, insidious and callous intentions and their own tarnished character.

Ironically, these are the very people who portray themselves to be good Christians…. practicing Catholics – attending Mass every Sunday with their family, receiving Holy Communion, offering their services to the church etc. (how hypocritical indeed!!)

I am not here to preach religion – I leave that up to those who have been chosen to preach and impart GOD’S Word.  I do not consider myself to be a devout Catholic or a good Christian for that matter but, my Christian upbringing has taught me never to go against GOD’S DIVINE WILL and follow GOD’S Laws and Commandments.

I do not want to be the one to judge any of these people and I leave it up to GOD, relying on His Promise as clearly revealed in the Scriptures

Marriage is a commitment, a covenant, that is meant to last forever — a long-term commitment, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

It is during the tough times that one must value the commitment that was made when taking one’s wedding vows — not only a commitment to each other but also a commitment to God, to our friends and our family. When both spouses remember and act that they will be together forever, it changes their lives together for the better.

“Fireproof doesn’t mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it. ” ~ Fireproof

We have choices in this life, and we make mistakes. Forgiveness is not impossible, and the wholeness of spirit that comes from truth is cool and pure.  Nothing in life is pure. It’s not supposed to be.   I loved my wife and that’s what I believe real purity is.  And it is something that she or the man she was with and the one she is now currently with will ever know.

Since the end of my marriage, I’ve researched on infidelity, lies, deceit and betrayal by trying to piece together actions of my now ex. wife and her past lover and the years of torment I had to endure as well as her current new lover (which is a long distance affair spanning over thousands of miles – Canada / Australia) and have concluded the following.   I discovered one common trait my ex. and her two lovers possess is Narcissism which also makes them Psychopaths and Sociopaths.

One thing is certain with narcissists; when you separate from them, and still have legal, property or custody to sort out, they will pathologically lie in order to legitimize their actions.  As such, you can expect fabricated stories, twisted facts and downright dirty tactics.

The narcissist is very capable of telling solicitors, police and courthouses exactly whatever lies he or she wants to, in order to try to punish you, get the upper hand and win, project blame, create smear campaigns, play the victim as if he or she has been vilified (especially when things aren’t going well for him or her), and of course disregard any personal accountability for his or her unacceptable behaviour.

When you see the blatant lies unravel under your nose, you will initially be shocked. People who enter into relationships with personality disordered individuals usually have a high level of integrity, and as such, you may feel incredibly shattered when you think, How on earth could I have ever been in a marriage with this person?

Your anguish is: How on earth does someone behave like THAT? Especially someone I was having a LOVE relationship with?

Your whole sense of moving on and forward may be pulled into the narcissistic muck – the pathological “stink,” – because your emotions feel so polluted by the unfathomable lies and acts that this person creates.

What Else Would You Expect?

You know you have been subjected to the ridiculous conversations where the narcissist refused to remain topical, refused to answer questions, and would bring in absurd examples and allies to thrust down your throat with all the logic of an angry five-year-old. You know that he or she has created untruths and smear campaigns against you in the past, and continually breaks his or her word, drags up information from the past (that he or she professed to be resolved with), and is never happy to live and reside in the now without projecting inner emptiness and torment onto you and making his or her inner demons your fault.

You know that this person had no respect for integrity or karma at those times, and thought they were entitled to behave like this – regardless of committing fraud, breaking the law, or how it affected the integrity and reputation of other individuals.

You know this person is capable of faking situations, illnesses and injuries in order to try and gain sympathy or detract from the real issues at hand.

You know this person is paranoid about being lined up and attacked, and will resort to any lengths – criminal or pathological – to “defend” themselves, “one-up” the situation, and believe that the ends justifies the means.

So truly WHY should this be a surprise? Narcissists are a false self – and therefore don’t have a conscience when it comes to lying.

Their life is a scripted illusion of the fantasy and high acclaim they like to believe they are living, which is completely different from how they truly feel about themselves on an inner level.

When the walls crumble between the illusion and the reality, the narcissist resorts to more scripted lies to try and offset his or her narcissist injury of being exposed to the world for what he or she really is – a person without real substance.

I promise you the ability to lie is a self-inbuilt survival mechanism. You see, narcissists don’t believe the truth serves them. They don’t believe they are lovable and acceptable as they are, and they carry immense shame for the way they have to operate. As such, more lies are needed to cover up the previous lies; otherwise the narcissist would have to face the truth of who they really are – and they will avoid that at all costs.

Realising it’s not personal

The narcissist’s lies are not personal – his or her lack of integrity and conscience has nothing to do with you, your life, and the creation of your truth. What you are seeing is a gift; it is confirming to you the relief of knowing that you are getting this person out of your life. The relief of knowing there is no lost love with a person who has the ability to be a pathological liar, and this behaviour is something that decent people with mature and healthy emotional intelligence just don’t do. Do you know why people with moral compasses don’t pathologically lie? The answer is: because their conscience doesn’t allow them to. Narcissists do not have that level of inner emotional equipment. Use this experience as a blessing to have even further confirmation that the narcissist is not your reality. You know he or she is never to be trusted again. Remember, anyone who is capable of pathological lying and operating without a conscience is never going to be a suitable love partner.

Now, it is your job to let go of any personalised feelings you are suffering due to taking on the brunt of the narcissist’s pathological lies.

I promise you it’s not your stuff – it’s the narcissist’s rubbish and sickness – not yours.

So take your focus off any pain you perceive from what the narcissist is doing – and just focus calmly on being and walking your truth. Narcissists are sloppy; they are loose cannons – they have big mouths, push their egos forth and tell outrageous lies – they simply can’t help themselves.

You see, narcissists act in horrendous ways, don’t take accountability and try to ease their pathological shame by trying to prove they are right. Of course the excuses, smear campaigns and deflections are going to be lies – because the narcissist will try to line you up and accuse you of exactly what he or she is doing.

Often they will state these lies by text or email.

Record all of them.

When you have the documents and statements and witnesses to disprove the lies, do so with police, solicitors and judges calmly and clearly.

How to Bring the Narcissist’s Lies to Light

If you are in combat with a narcissist’s pathology – you will win easily every time when:

  1. All pain, personalisation and angst regarding the narcissist’s lies are released. This allows you to shrug off the rubbish, disprove it easily and simply put forward the truth.
  2. When you know it is not your job to make immature five-year-old adults with low emotional intelligence act decently, you have a clean space to simply act intelligently and rationally.
  3.  Record and document all of the narcissist’s behaviour and communication. Have the dates, make the relevant connections and bring these to light with authorities factually and calmly. You will find that the authorities see the truth, the patterns and the pathologies extremely easily.
  4.  Follow through calmly, regardless of what the narcissist throws at you, knowing you are aligned with living integrity and truth and that you are integrity and truth. Don’t worry about the outrageous allies and smear campaigns that the narcissist is trying to use against you. Know this firmly: The truth wins out – ALWAYS.

Truly, narcissistic lies are false power; they are as flimsy as the lack of reality holding them together. Truth is solid and real, and all of life supports you when you are in truth.

Darkness cannot operate within light, and when you know that and be that, you will see the narcissist’s hold crumble.

Therefore, all you have to do is stand up in solid truth and be that calmly.

If you’re not there (solid on the above 4 points), work on yourself first and don’t tackle the narcissist when taking on the pain from the muck – because if you do – he or she will win.

I hope the insights I’ve provided here will be of great benefit to those individuals who still need to go through police, settlements and custody matters.

Definition of a Narcissistic Psychopath

Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called Narcissistic Psychopaths.

Narcissistic Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. “They play a part so they can get what they want,” says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains his co-workers’ trust has more access to their chequebooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims — at work, through friendships or relationships — and not one of us can say, “a psychopath could never fool me.”

In general, psychopaths aren’t the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Elements of a psychopath’s personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors

Below is a profile compilation of a NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH which I hope will find helpful should you be involved with one.

NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATHIC PROFILE OF MY EX AND HER EX-LOVER WHO I WILL CALL “GG”

  1. Glibness and Superficial Charm Psychopaths are often voluble and verbally facile. They can be amusing and entertaining conversationalists, ready with a clever comeback, and are able to tell unlikely but convincing stories that cast themselves in a good light. They can be very effective in presenting themselves well and are often very likable and charming.
  2. Manipulative and Conning – Never recognizes the rights of others and see his self-serving behaviors as permissible. Appears to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing his victim as merely an instrument to be used. He may dominate and humiliate his victims.
  3. Grandiose Sense of Self – Feels entitled to certain things as “his right.”
  4. Pathological Lying – Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for him to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about his own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  5. Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt – A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around him as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, he has victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and he will let nothing stand in his way.
  6. Shallow Emotions – When he shows what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since he is not genuine, neither are his promises.
  7. Incapacity for Love – (needs no explanation)
  8. Need for Stimulation – Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity is common.
  9. Callousness/Lack of Empathy – Unable to empathize with the pain of his victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  10. Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature – Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believes he is all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for his impact on others.
  11. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency – Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behavior such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  12. Irresponsibility/Unreliability – Not the least concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame himself, but blames others, even for acts he obviously committed.
  13. Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity – Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  14. Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle – Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  15. Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility – Changes his image and persona as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Characteristics Observed:

  1. Contemptuous of those who seek to understand him
  2. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with him
  3. Authoritarian
  4. Secretive
  5. Paranoid
  6. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where his tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
  7. Conventional appearance
  8. Goal of enslavement of his victim(s)
  9. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
  10. Has an emotional need to justify his crimes and therefore needs his victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
  11. Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
  12. Incapable of real human attachment to another
  13. Unable to feel remorse or guilt
  14. Extreme narcissism and grandiose
  15. May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

 

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY: Taken in part from MW – By Caroline Konrad — September 1999

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

  1. They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.
  2. They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.
  3. They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else’s fault.
  4. They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.
  5. Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social façade.

From the book Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships, I cite this quote on the subject of infidelity and posed the following:

“Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. Deception and lies shatter the reality of others, eroding their belief in the veracity of their perceptions and subjective experience. The betrayal of trust brought about by a partner’s secret involvement with another person leads to a shocking and painful realization on the part of the deceived party that the person he or she has been involved with has a secret life and that there is an aspect of his or her partner that he or she had no knowledge of.”

 

And as psychologist and author Shirley Glass wrote in her book Not “Just Friends”:

“Relationships are contingent on honesty and openness. They are built and maintained through our faith that we can believe what we are being told. However painful it is for a betrayed spouse to discover a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments, the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.”

In conclusion I have to say I still believe, an ideal relationship is built on trust, openness, mutual respect and personal freedom. But real freedom comes with making a choice, not just about who we are with but how we will treat that person. Choosing to be honest with a partner every day is what keeps love real. And truly choosing that partner every day by one’s own free will is what makes love last. So while freedom to choose is a vital aspect of any healthy and honest union, deception is the third party that should never be welcome in a relationship.

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Lessons learned …………….

Before you embark into a relationship with someone make sure you thoroughly understand his/her past.  Hold up. Slow down. Before you put all your eggs (biological or otherwise) in this human being’s basket… before you throw precious time, energy and money into someone other than yourself… before you take your gorgeous, wonderful soul off the market… make extra-sure it’s not just your sex drive talking.

He/she may seem to look like the perfect person you’ve been longing for.  He/she may seem very friendly, soft-spoken, courteous and all those good stuff but that may not be true.  Beneath those “false” good attributes, he/she could just be harboring some real dark secrets which you will only discover “much to your regret” later into your relationship with that person.

Important things you need to know first ……

Was the person married before?

What was the real cause for divorce?

Did the person initiate the divorce or was it initiated by his/her spouse?

What was the reason for divorce?  Was it infidelity or irreconcilable differences? Was the infidelity from the person’s side or from the spouse’s side?  How did it affect the family and most importantly how did it affect the children?

There is no question, getting cheated on sucks. But is the old adage ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ really true?  This all depends on the type of person you’re with and who cheated on whom

Here are some common signs to watch out for:

  • suddenly he/she’s working late a lot
  • he/she is coming home late everyday. Sometimes even past midnight.
  • he/she’s suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
  • he/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
  • mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
  • he/she receives phone calls at all hours of the night
  • he/she takes calls and walks out of the room to talk on the phone
  • he/she neglects the children and spends more time out
  • less sex
  • he/she’s more distant, angry or picky

Apart from the general factors that bring about cheating, some other factors that  influence cheating may have a genetic component – a spouse’s level of attractiveness, lack of self esteem, risk taking nature, sexual addiction, insecure, depressed with life, have fallen in lust with someone else, are avoiding some other hardship in their life and so on  – can be more difficult to change.

And some people are simply narcissists who will most likely cheat for the rest of their lives.  These genetic factors may help explain why some people have a more difficult time being faithful.  Typically, the best indicator of a partner’s future behavior is his or her past behavior.

When you come across a person who destroyed his/her marriage with lies, deceit and cheating, with no conscience and believing that what he/she’s done is right.  By embarking on the path of cheating, this person not only put his/her spouse through misery and pain but also made his/her children to suffer the ordeal.  My advice would be to get as far away as possible from this person.  A person of this calibre should never be trusted at all.

In answering the question about “Once a cheater always a cheater”  …….

The answer is yes.  It illustrates the person’s character. These people understand the importance that society places on trust, particularly in relationships. They have proven they are self-centered in life.

“A person’s true character is what they do when they think nobody is looking”

“A dishonest person is seldom dishonest in only one area of their life.”

“The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.”

My answer to the question is: From everything I have personally experienced as well as witnessed in my own circumstance, yes. Personally, nobody will have the opportunity to prove that directly with me.

Definition of Insanity:

“Continuing to do the same thing you have done before, and expecting a different outcome.”

With female infidelity now at an all time high, more and more men who are married, or in committed relationships are asking themselves this question about their spouse of significant other:

With infidelity constantly in the news, it’s not uncommon for a man to wonder if his wife or girlfriend will cheat on him in the future, and one day break his heart.

Listed below are brief descriptions of 16 kinds of women who are especially susceptible to having an affair.

  1. She has lots of close male friends – A significant number of affairs begin as close friendships with members of the opposite sex. The relationship may be platonic at the beginning, but chances are, it won’t stay that way. The closer the woman is to her platonic male friend, the more likely it is that he will eventually end up becoming her lover – unless he’s gay.
  2. She has girlfriends who are cheating on their mates. – Never underestimate the power of peer pressure. Adults are susceptible to it, too. If a woman has one or more close female friends who are cheating on their husbands or boyfriends, she may eventually start cheating, too.
  3. She has an excessive need for attention. – A woman who constantly craves attention may cheat on her mate if she feels she’s not getting enough attention from him. She will be easy prey for any man who showers with her the attention she feels she deserves.
  4. She’s materialistic. – A materialistic woman is likely to have an affair with a wealthy man because of the material things he can provide. She can easily be seduced with jewelry, designer clothes, lavish vacations, or the cash to buy these and other expensive things.
  5. She views sex as a statement of her femininity. – Her identity as a woman is tied to how many men she sleeps with. Seducing men to sleep with her is the focal point of her life. With this mental attitude, it’s hard for her to stay faithful to just one man.
  6. She’s a thrill seeker or a risk taker. – If she’s the type who likes to live dangerously, she’ll cheat just for the thrill of it, or for the excitement of doing something forbidden, or for the challenge of seeing if she can pull it off without getting caught. She views infidelity as other people would view a high-risk sport.
  7. She’s easily bored. – A woman who is easily bored, or who leads a dull, routine life may cheat on her mate just to alleviate her boredom or add some excitement to her life.
  8. She has been cheated on by her mate. – If a woman’s husband or boyfriend has cheated on her, she may try to even the score by cheating on him in return. Many women who have been victims of infidelity will indulge in retaliatory cheating or have revenge affairs.
  9. She likes being the center of attention. – If a woman thrives on being the center of attention at all times, she is sexually vulnerable to any man who fawns over her, or makes her feel like she’s #1
  10. She’s addicted to alcohol or drugs. – Women who are substance abusers are much more likely to end up cheating on their mates. Female alcoholics are susceptible to infidelity because their inhibitions will be lowered and their judgment impaired. Female drug addicts may sell their bodies for drugs. Either type of woman is likely to cheat without realizing what she’s doing.
  11. She has a reputation as a “party girl.” – If she’s the type of woman who runs with a fast crowd, or parties all the time, or hangs out until the wee hours of the night, her lifestyle makes her vulnerable to having an affair.
  12. She’s a sex addict. – Women can be sex addicts, too. It’s an addiction that affects at least 6% of the American population. In the past these women were referred to as nymphomaniacs. This is a medical condition that requires professional medical help.
  13. She’s had lots of sexual experience. – If she has led a very active sex life, or has had lots of sex partners before settling down, she will find it extremely difficult to stay faithful to just one man.
  14. She cheated before and got away with it. – That old saying “ Once a cheater, always a cheater will apply if she cheated in the past and didn’t suffer any negative consequences as a result of her infidelity. If she cheated before and didn’t get caught, she’s more likely to cheat again. The same applies if she cheated and her man readily forgave her without holding her accountable for her infidelity.
  15. She has a big ego. – If she’s extremely egotistic, any man who feeds her inflated ego can easily get her into bed.
  16. She suffers from low self esteem. – The opposite characteristic is also a danger sign. If she suffers from low-self esteem, she will be easy prey for the man who flatters her, makes her feel good about herself, and boosts her self esteem.

If you’re married to, or in a committed relationship with a woman who falls into one or more of the 16 categories above, make sure you know how to recognize the early warning signs of infidelity.

If you don’t know the early warning signs of impending infidelity, or the signs of an affair in progress, you may be in for a lot of hurt, humiliation and heartbreak ahead.

Your future, and the future of your marriage or relationship may well depend on your ability to spot the signs in time. But knowing what to look for is the key.

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